"Every Lane is a Bike Lane" is BULLSHIT

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“EVERY LANE IS A BIKE LANE” IS BULLSHIT!

Very recently, LA began this new ad campaign ensuring that “Every lane is a bike lane” and I am calling complete and total bullshit on that.   Let’s call a spade a spade.  LA was not designed to be a bike friendly city.  It’s just wasn’t.   And the city can’t just declare it one overnight by putting signs on buses and billboards and painting the streets.   Whether you ride your bike or drive your car, it’s not a city made for cycling (though I’m not downplaying what the future may hold).   According to www.bicycling.com, LA is #32 on their list of big city “bike friendly cities” compared to NYC’s #7 slot.  32 ain’t so hot – NYC is more congested and I have never noticed the cyclists there to be a problem.   Here in LA, there are too many cars driving the same overcongested streets all at the same time (over 3,000,000 registered vehicles according to the city database).  The roads are not big enough for an actual bike lane on every street.  This is fact, like it or not. 

I am 100% in support of people’s individual rights to ride a bike, walk, rollerblade, drive, etc.  I am most definitely in favor of doing anything we can to save the environment. I think cycling is a great form of exercise.  That’s all true.  But I’m also a realist and it’s just not realistic to tell cyclists that they can slowly peddle along in EVERY lane on EVERY street in front of cars, causing even more traffic and causing some incredibly dangerous situations.    

Why EVERY lane? Why not “The right lane is a bike lane. Share the road.”  (Notice the word SHARE……giving cyclists the right to EVERY lane does not encourage sharing).  The left lane has always been reserved for faster drivers, for passing other cars, etc.  It’s in the driver’s manual.  So why the heck does a cyclist need to ride in the left lane inevitably causing more traffic?  Can’t they use the right lane?  On multi lane streets such as La Cienega, all the way from Santa Monica Blvd down to the 405, there are two to three lanes.  This poorly thought out law makes it legal for a gaggle of cyclists to ride in every lane, side by side, on a street where cars regularly travel 45+ MPH (there’s that stretch south of Rodeo that mimics a freeway) and block the entire road making it impossible for cars to pass. Who thought this was a good idea?

This brilliant plan will cost people their lives. Guaranteed.   Watch the stats grow.  Just watch.  Cyclists are going to get hit by cars at an increasing rate (according to Internet reports, LA already has more than double the amount of car vs bicycle fatalities than any other California city) and drivers are going to get more impatient and attempt to pass the slow moving bicycles.  I just can’t wrap my head around why it had to be EVERY lane. It’s 100% unnecessary.

What makes this worse, to me, are the amount of arrogant cyclists who regularly ride on the sidewalks and think they own every inch of everything.  I will reiterate my support for cycling and choice but on a regular basis, at least in West Hollywood, I see people riding their bikes on the sidewalks and going through red lights.  And EVERY SINGLE TIME I say something to a sidewalk cyclist, they get extremely pissy and nasty and act as if they have every right to the sidewalk.  You were just given EVERY lane, do you really have to be riding on the sidewalk, too? 

**Special disclaimer for my cycling friends (one of whom is my boyfriend – a very courteous cyclist even though he pretty much never wears his helmet) and driving guru, Kenny Morse: I understand there are plenty of horrible and rude drivers who don’t share the road and endanger cyclists’ lives and drive too fast, who do stupid things, etc, and ya’ll should know by now that I have my fair share of opinions about them as well….I just cannot support this new asinine EVERY lane campaign and thus I am bitching about that one law and not cycling in general. xoxo

Bitch Blog #4: Crosswalks and the Pedestrian Right Of Way

CROSSWALKS & PEDESTRIAN RIGHT OF WAY

Yes, it’s true.  I am starting up my BITCH BLOG again!  I’m not so sure why I ever stopped.  As my friend, Casting Director +Marci Liroff  (http://marciliroff.blogspot.com/) likes to remind me, I certainly have enough I bitch about.  So….here we go.

The one bane of everybody’s existence here in LA is traffic. There is too much frackin’ traffic. But that’s not what I’m here to bitch about today.  What really gets my goad is that certain cites (ahem, West Hollywood) seem to do as much as possible to INCREASE the traffic.  Here’s what I observe. 

In West Hollywood, along Santa Monica Blvd, between La Cienega and Robertson, there are no fewer than 8 crosswalks in the approximately 10 short blocks.  It’s entirely unnecessary and completely annoying.  I realize I’m from NYC where there are crosswalks at every corner….but who the hell uses them?  Since the beginning of time, NYers just cross the street, anywhere, anytime and “pedestrian vs car “ has never been a problem.  But noooooooo, here in LA you have to use a crosswalk or face an ever-increasing jay walking fine. I’ve received two over the years.  The first rang in at $77 and the second at a whopping $122 (and that was almost ten years ago; I can’t imagine how much the fine is now).

The problem is this stretch of road creeps along past dozens and dozens of shops, bars, restaurants, the post office, the sheriff’s station, the infamous not so 24-Hour Fitness and even an LA bus depot, on both sides of the street.  There is a lot of foot traffic.  A lot.  But there is also a tremendous amount of cars.  This is Santa Monica Blvd after all, Route-66, and it’s the gayway to all that is WeHo.  It’s also the main road connecting 90069 to 90210.  There really aren’t any realistic alternative streets for drivers heading to the Ramada, the big gay Starbucks or even the impossible to park at Trader Joe’s.  One pretty much needs to drive straight through West Hollywood to get where you’re going.  This ten-block drive used to take only a minute or two but with all these crosswalks it can take an impossibly long time to wade through.  Today took long enough to get through two complete songs on the radio. That’s a long time to travel ten blocks. 

There’s no need for so many crosswalks.  Are pedestrians in LA so lazy that they can’t walk to the actual corner to cross the street? Does there really have to be a crosswalk in the middle of the block?   Pedestrians have way too much of the “right of way”.   All it takes is one step off the curb and the law wants cars to come screeching to a halt, backing up traffic for miles.  I know it’s a crazy idea to tell people they must walk a few hundred feet further to the corner to cross the street.  Or…gasp…..just frackin’ cross the street and the cops can busy themselves fighting crime.

Really all this traffic does, for me, it makes me choose to go and spend my money elsewhere and avoid West Hollywood, which is pretty much the opposite of what the city should want.  Combine these crosswalks with the new and poorly thought out law, “Every lane is a bike lane” and driving in West Hollywood goes from bad to worse.  But that’s a whole other rant!

Shut the Frack Up!

For my 3rd post I have to begin with an apology to Elizabeth Vail of Southampton.  She was somewhat put off by my last blog and that wasn’t my intention.  My blog will hit some nerves simply because of the nature of the beast but that’s not WHY I write this blog.  I also told her I’d blog about something I personally do that’s annoying and I promise I will do that.   However as I sit here in Starbucks attempting to write that very blog there is a gaggle of obnoxiously loud and overbearing, half-assed, pretend macho, gay for pay porn stars talking loud enough that their conversation can be heard around the world.

Whaaaaaat?  Yes, let me put this into context.  I sit down to enjoy some coffee and the comfort of the newly renovated Starbucks and, as my luck would have it, the gang of 6 next to me consists of a few good looking, ripped gym bunnies and three naturally overweight hairy bears.  In LA, that means 1 of 2 things – they are either all kept boys or porn stars.  “Luckily” for me, I get to hear every single word of their conversation and find out they are porn stars (which I have no problem with…hot guys doing porn?  Go for it!).  They say they are all “straight”….having massive amounts of gay sex on camera.  But I digress.

I don’t care what they do for a living or how they might classify themselves but I do care that they should SHUT THE FRACK UP!  Why do some people feel the need to speak so loudly that every single person within a 4-block radius can hear them?  Don’t people understand public behavior and inside voices? There are other people here trying to enjoy the atmosphere…..reading books, writing the next great screenplay, having quiet conversations and nobody wants to be bothered and forced to listen to conversations about graphic sex and drugs and the meaningless escapades their compadres encountered recently. 

It’s the same idea when people are talking on their cell phones and so badly want everybody around them to know exactly what they are talking about so they speak at decibels that only the most talented of dogs would be able to hear.   Shut up.  Nobody else gives a damn.  Have your conversation. Enjoy it.  But keep it to yourself. 

As for these porn stars and their unjustly vain beholders, if you want to sit around talking that loudly, fist bumping the table & "blowing it up" with each other every other minute -  congregate in your living room.  If you’re going to enjoy the company of strangers, you’re going to have to learn how to behave in public. Most of us were taught this easily mastered skill as children. 

Aviation Parenting Skills

I don't have any kids but I've been responsible for hundreds over the years as a past camp counselor and school teacher with a combined total of 12+ years experience.   So while I have to negate the age old insultesque, "Do you have any kids of your own?" question, I have had the joy and pain of guarding and placating many, many, many children- on the land, in the sea and, yes, even in the air. I've taken dozens of kids on planes and truth be told, it's really not all that difficult.  So why are there so many parents taking their kids on planes who are completely clueless about how to keep them happy & quiet? Why are there so many more brats (see: parents) I'd like to toss out the door at 32,000 feet than there are kids I'd want to shower with chocolates and compliments? 

Here's an idea, you lazy, arrogant parents- come equipped with EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING you'll need for the really long flight - toys, food, drinks, medications, movies (w/ headphones- duh!), and even bribes. I've paid as much for my ticket as you have for yours and I deserve to enjoy my flight as much as you do, even if airlines try to make that nearly impossible.  But I CHOSE not to have and or travel with kids and you don't have the right to infringe on my over-priced 15” of seating space. It really doesn't take that much to keep a child occupied and distracted.  But (and now I'm speaking to Mr. & Mrs. Ignoramus sitting behind me) it might require you to take off your own headphones and do something!  Your screaming child is not going to suddenly figure out how to work the damn DVD player all by her 3-year-old self! Help her!  Hold her! Talk to her! Bribe her with ice cream when you land. PLEASE!  At the very least, apologize to those around you – that would go a long way on an already long flight.

If there was a proposed law requiring a soundproof "kid zone" on planes, I'd support it. If there was a limit to the number of kids allowed on a single plane, I'd sign that petition! And here's a little secret - I actually love kids. More than I love most adults. But my momma raised me right!

*Sidenote – I received a few comments about my Hillary Clinton image in my 1^st post. I LOVE Hillary. I’d vote for her for President; it was just a funny picture so relax.

I Like To Bitch

I like to bitch. I do.  Not because I'm a negative person; I'm not. I just like to bitch. I'm passionate about everything and I like to share my opinions. If I like something, if I see a movie I like, it's the BEST movie I've seen in years and it deserves Oscar nominations. If I don't like the movie, it's the worst piece of shit of the last decade and the director should be blacklisted. It's that plain and simple. There are few grey areas in my life.  If there's food at the table that somebody doesn't like, it's always Jeremy who speaks up and sends it back to the kitchen. If there's some illiterate asshole sitting underneath the "No Smoking" sign who just so happens to be smoking on the patio, I won't hesitate to take the cigarette and put it out on their forehead.  And by that I mean sternly tell them to put it out.  Ask any friend of mine, if there's some jackoff driving like a blind 85 year old, I will pummel them......in my mind - but I am the guy who will honk and curse them out.  I like to bitch and I will not apologize for it.  

I'm sure it drives some people crazy. My boyfriend isn't the biggest fan of my continuing tirades. My opinionated Facebook and Twitter posts garner a lot of attention - they seem to amuse some, inspire others and I'm sure annoy a few.  To hell with that last group. In the past few weeks I've had a number of people tell me, "Wow - you should replace Andy Rooney with all you have to say" or, "Jesus....you could have your own talk show" or, as my boyfriend just told me, "Honey, you should write a column in the paper and really vent it all out!"  And so thus begins my journey of trying to get some entity to take notice of all I have to say and care enough to offer me a little column somewhere. Anywhere. Bueller? 

For now, this blog will have to do. I'll share it with all my Facebook friends - all 4500+ of them. I'll share it with the members of my industry Facebook groups - all 24,000+ of them. I'll Tweet, I'll email and I may even send my words off to a newspaper to see who gives a shit. And if nobody does, I'll keep on bitching cuz as my mother told me just last night, "You're a sassy bitch and I love you!"  Happy Holidays, everybody….now get the f**k outta my way!