Aviation Parenting Skills

I don't have any kids but I've been responsible for hundreds over the years as a past camp counselor and school teacher with a combined total of 12+ years experience.   So while I have to negate the age old insultesque, "Do you have any kids of your own?" question, I have had the joy and pain of guarding and placating many, many, many children- on the land, in the sea and, yes, even in the air. I've taken dozens of kids on planes and truth be told, it's really not all that difficult.  So why are there so many parents taking their kids on planes who are completely clueless about how to keep them happy & quiet? Why are there so many more brats (see: parents) I'd like to toss out the door at 32,000 feet than there are kids I'd want to shower with chocolates and compliments? 

Here's an idea, you lazy, arrogant parents- come equipped with EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING you'll need for the really long flight - toys, food, drinks, medications, movies (w/ headphones- duh!), and even bribes. I've paid as much for my ticket as you have for yours and I deserve to enjoy my flight as much as you do, even if airlines try to make that nearly impossible.  But I CHOSE not to have and or travel with kids and you don't have the right to infringe on my over-priced 15” of seating space. It really doesn't take that much to keep a child occupied and distracted.  But (and now I'm speaking to Mr. & Mrs. Ignoramus sitting behind me) it might require you to take off your own headphones and do something!  Your screaming child is not going to suddenly figure out how to work the damn DVD player all by her 3-year-old self! Help her!  Hold her! Talk to her! Bribe her with ice cream when you land. PLEASE!  At the very least, apologize to those around you – that would go a long way on an already long flight.

If there was a proposed law requiring a soundproof "kid zone" on planes, I'd support it. If there was a limit to the number of kids allowed on a single plane, I'd sign that petition! And here's a little secret - I actually love kids. More than I love most adults. But my momma raised me right!

*Sidenote – I received a few comments about my Hillary Clinton image in my 1^st post. I LOVE Hillary. I’d vote for her for President; it was just a funny picture so relax.

I Like To Bitch

I like to bitch. I do.  Not because I'm a negative person; I'm not. I just like to bitch. I'm passionate about everything and I like to share my opinions. If I like something, if I see a movie I like, it's the BEST movie I've seen in years and it deserves Oscar nominations. If I don't like the movie, it's the worst piece of shit of the last decade and the director should be blacklisted. It's that plain and simple. There are few grey areas in my life.  If there's food at the table that somebody doesn't like, it's always Jeremy who speaks up and sends it back to the kitchen. If there's some illiterate asshole sitting underneath the "No Smoking" sign who just so happens to be smoking on the patio, I won't hesitate to take the cigarette and put it out on their forehead.  And by that I mean sternly tell them to put it out.  Ask any friend of mine, if there's some jackoff driving like a blind 85 year old, I will pummel them......in my mind - but I am the guy who will honk and curse them out.  I like to bitch and I will not apologize for it.  

I'm sure it drives some people crazy. My boyfriend isn't the biggest fan of my continuing tirades. My opinionated Facebook and Twitter posts garner a lot of attention - they seem to amuse some, inspire others and I'm sure annoy a few.  To hell with that last group. In the past few weeks I've had a number of people tell me, "Wow - you should replace Andy Rooney with all you have to say" or, "Jesus....you could have your own talk show" or, as my boyfriend just told me, "Honey, you should write a column in the paper and really vent it all out!"  And so thus begins my journey of trying to get some entity to take notice of all I have to say and care enough to offer me a little column somewhere. Anywhere. Bueller? 

For now, this blog will have to do. I'll share it with all my Facebook friends - all 4500+ of them. I'll share it with the members of my industry Facebook groups - all 24,000+ of them. I'll Tweet, I'll email and I may even send my words off to a newspaper to see who gives a shit. And if nobody does, I'll keep on bitching cuz as my mother told me just last night, "You're a sassy bitch and I love you!"  Happy Holidays, everybody….now get the f**k outta my way!